"So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
And wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in sight
Hangin' on a hope but I'm alright."

— The Carpenters, "I Need to be in Love"

"In my own time nobody knew the pain I was goin' through, and waitin' was all my heart could do." — The Carpenters, "Only Yesterday"

Undoubtedly, the hardest part of being single is the lack of intimacy and expression—just being able to pour out your heart, thoughts, feelings, longings and frustrations to someone who understands, and who you know won't criticize or judge you. Someone who accepts and loves you for who you are—who wants, needs, and desires you...just holding someone tight in your arms, and being held by them. Watching other couples holding hands, laughing, hugging, and kissing are things you've been waiting on, dreaming of, and longing for. Is it wrong to long for the beauty and fulfillment of sexual intimacy in marriage? Is it a sin to want to be so fully loved, touched, and desired? Is that asking too much? All too often it feels like the answer is "yes" to those questions.

"Take my advice—I don't use it anyway." — Unknown

It never ceases to amaze me that those who frequently give singles advice on how to live as singles are themselves married—and have zero first-hand knowledge of what it's like surviving without intimacy and companionship for literally decades at a time. The Christian living in the 21st century quoting Song of Solomon 2:7 that says: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" does so from his or her remote mountain cave. We live in a day and age when we cannot escape being surrounded by sex and relationships. Our only defense is daily arming ourselves with biblical, factual truth about it.

Marriage is certainly not all roses and has its own challenges, but it is the only place designed by God to meet the very specific needs you were created with as a man or woman. Being shut out from that—from ever knowing and experiencing something so potentially beautiful, fulfilling, and satisfying, something you were designed for—is a frightening place to live. The apostle Paul addresses this:

Perhaps the biggest hurdle is meeting other singles; after all, a relationship can never start without that initial connection. Simply seeing someone you're attracted to does not provide the chance to get to know them. Having adequate time and opportunity to interact with others is key to learning and understanding what personalities and attributes you value most. Simply put, the more interaction you have with your peers, the more likely you are to find and get to know someone.

In different ways, and among the myriad of different personalities and physical attributes, each of us are drawn to a specific combination that we find appealing or attractive, and because of this, the likelihood of meeting someone that we could see ourself with someday is small. In addition, most people marry in their twenties, so by the time you're in your 30s or 40s, the chances of meeting another single are very, very small indeed. Reducing those odds and increasing the chances are critical; but at the same time, marriage is a lifelong commitment, and rushing into it with someone you're not completely sure about can be a dangerous thing. As the saying goes:

"Don't marry the person you can live with; marry the person you can't live without."

The meshing of these two concerns is a challenging and often frustrating task.

The thoughtful intentions of matchmakers are valiant—they are some of the few people who sense deep down that you're struggling as a single person, and they genuinely want to help in any way they can. Unfortunately, putting two people together can be an awkward and often unsuccessful endeavor. Matchmakers are understandably eager to connect two single people together, but unfortunately some people are uncomfortable being 'match-made'; agreeing only to meet in an effort to placate the matchmaker. Relationships simply aren't something you can manufacture.

Good luck. Honestly—cutting through the Christianese—that's probably the most realistic advice I can give. If you didn't attend a Christian college or somehow have a constant stream of single people close to your age coming through your church or workplace, your chances of meeting someone are slim to non-existent—especially as you get older. That's not to say that you'll never meet someone; some people do eventually find a spouse and marry in their 40s and 50s. But there are no guarantees of finding a godly spouse, and the odds are rapidly declining; recent statistics say that only one in three Christian women actually wait to have sex until their wedding night. Needless to say, most Christian men are likely just as guilty of this.

"I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world; and fool enough to think that's what I'll find."
— The Carpenters, "I Need to be in Love"

As strange as it sounds, no Adult Bible Fellowship for singles that I've been in has ever really ministered to the fact that you're single; in other words, no attempt was ever made purporting discussion or expression of the frustrations and challenges of being single. Rather odd, considering classes for married couples minister to marital issues frequently. So instead of taking some time and actually talking about and addressing the issues and frustrations of singleness (or even just listening while singles share how or what they feel), leadership commonly operates as though everyone were settled and comfortable with it. What's needed are people who are willing to listen, and address them with honest, real-world answers grounded in Scripture; not reiterating theory or skirting the topic. Sadly, I have to say this: (like numerous plastic mask-infested areas) if you want to know what singles are really facing don't expect to find it in the church. The only place you will find that kind of honesty are blogs or direct e-mails from single Christians themselves.

In addition, I dare say that the church/Christian community at large could do more to bring singles together; perhaps hosting local missions trips, ministry opportunities, or a dinner where singles can get to know others outside of their own church walls. A godly lady I knew made the comment that:

"I wish, in an ideal world, there would be a gathering for area singles that love the Lord and are so busy serving Him that they don't have time to meet each other."

I suspect many singles tend to be reclusive simply because they feel like they don't fit anywhere or have anything to contribute. They are also likely to be very sensitive and wary to judgment and criticism because of their singleness.

"There are worse things than being single." — Unknown

Since there is rarely (if ever) a safe place for expression of thoughts and feelings in regards to being single, it's easy to believe that most singles harbor a lot of hurt, depression, and frustration within them. You will probably never know just how much they are affected, as it's all too easy to fake a smile on Sunday morning. For most singles, I venture to say that deep down, surviving each week is what keeps them mentally and emotionally alive.